In addition to my other thirty-seven careers, as some of you may or may not know…

Gay Icon. Top Ranked Blogger. Musician.  A gag reflex that has broken world records…

I’m a scientist too.

 

(I have also added “political pundit”, masseuse, and a lawyer* to my resume. Don’t hate bitches.)

 

But no joke. As the title suggests, this is the very first Scientifically accurate gaydar**.

YES KIDS!

 

This blog is going to be the worst thing to happen to a closet since Lady Gaga!

I have pourrrred over the latest in scientific research. Cluuuuutched morsels from my wealth of “field training” and gay expertise to bring you the definitive answer to that burning question we all have about a friend or an uncle.

Think of this as a “Is he a Homosexual FAQ V. 2.ohhhhh”

 

(or the guy whos dick you have in your mouth, or the dude that is drillin’ for oil at the other end one drunk late Saturday night. But that’s another blog?)

Anyjock…

REGUARAAAADLESS!

WE ALL WONDER IT ABOUT SOMEONE!

 

…and I know this because EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Of my straight friends have walked up to me and asked me the following question at one time or another…

 

“Chad, I wonder if he is…yanno? Gay? Is he?”

I usually always give the same reply.

 

“Well, I will check my handbook when I get home and see if he is in the directory…I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!?”

 

That is until now.

 

*devilish laughter*

 

So ya’ll can quit bugging my ass, I have made a short little quiz for you to take about the lisp in question.

All gay men have certain “traits”. Not ones you may think. …and some questions the answer may be a little deceiving as to what you think the gay/straight column it will be tallied under. So answer honest.

These questions are scientifically* based. The only pre-requisite is you HAVE to know a little about the subject you are scoring.

I can even give you an accuracy rating on your knowledge of the queen in question.

Take the number of questions you answered, and that is your percentage of “correctness”.

Example, you answered 8 questions. Your “Hetro”/“Homo” verdict is 80% correct.

Answer only 2, and you have a 20% chance of being right about the alleged Colon Cowboy. I have made the scoring as easy as getting laid.

 

 

 

 

*flips bangs*

 

*ahem*

…well some of us.

This may be time for some gratuitous nudity. I think MANY straight men with be mortified by this blog posting. So no need to post any tata’s today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 (the gentleman above in the black and white…does anyone know who this is? I really need to contact him and inform him that HE IS GOING TO MARRY ME AND HAVE MY BABIES, I WANT TO BE HIS STALKER!

OMG!

 

 

 

For this Gaydar, you will need a sheet of paper and a pencil. Any blonds or mainliners, you may need a calculator.

And please note, this Gaydar applies to MEN ONLY!

It’s the only scientific data I have studied…sorry but I have never typed very many “dyke” keywords in my search engine., and not to sound like “Mammy” off of “Gone with the Wind”, …BUT I DON’T KNOW ‘NOTHIN’ ‘BOUT NO LIZBEEANS MASSA!”

 

OK! ARE WE READY!

LET THE GAYYYMES BEGIN!

(This quiz has its own theme, I refuse to use autoplay like some may remember *ducks*, but listen while you twerk if you like

THE OFFICIAL SCIENTIFIC GAYDAR THEME

Contains replayed elements from the compositions “I Want to Take you Higher” and “Thank You” as performed by Sly and the Family Stone.

Used under Creative Commons guidelines. All other music written by Chadthreesixty.

 

 

1. Is he right handed or left handed.

If he is left handed, write down a 100. Right enter a zero.

 

 

2. How Many OLDER brothers does he have? Not younger, just older.

Enter 25 points for each older brother he has.

 

3. Has he ever mentioned a “childhood” or “teen”  homosexual experience?

80 points if he has 20 if he has not.

 

4. Did he have a good relationship/is he still in active contact with his father.

100 if you answered no, 0 if you answered yes.

 

5. Was his father absent his entire life?

90 if you answered no, 10 if yes. Skip this question and treat as “unanswered” if he croaked.

 

6. Was he unusually “close” to his mother?

100 if yes, 0 if no.

 

7. Who ranks as the “majority” of friends. As in friends that are confidants, ones he hangs out with, goes to the movies, shoots the breeze with. Is it women or men?

Women enter 100, 0 for men.

 

8. Does he talk “effeminate”?

Enter 80 for yes, 20 for no.

 

9. Has he or is he under current treatment or taking any medicine for any psychiatric disorder. (depression, panic attacks, O.C.D.)

100 for yes, 0 no.

 

10. Is he divorced? And if so, has he remarried?

80 for divorced and never remarried

20 for divorced and remarried.

 

Bonus Question based on New Scientific Findings.

Next time you see him, inconspiciously eye his “whorl” …well, after his ass.

And eyes, pecs, arms, legs, abs,  … lips bulge.

 

 

 

 

 

Where was I?

OH!

 

Gay men are more likely than straight men to have a counterclockwise whorl.

 And my whorl. Gay of course. Every gay guy I knows whorl. Swirled honey! That is why this is such a high value question.

400 points for the homo curvature of the crown. 0 if his hair is draining hetero.

*Now can we FINALLY put that “nature-nurture” bourgeois to rest bitches.*

 (Pee-Ess: You know as well as I suck dick that every straight man secretly reading this is scampering like a rodent looking for a mirror so he can check the way his bald spot is “flushing”

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

….

oh!

) <—-end parenthesis

OK, TIME TO TALLY!

 

Look down at your number.

DRUM ROLL PLEASE!

 

0-200

Another one bites the bust. Straight as an arrow.

*shudders*

I just threw up a little in my mouth. I mean I know it is 2011 and all, and I accept you heteros. But please keep what you do behind closed doors, and don’t throw it in our faces.

I SAW A MAN AND A WOMAN KISS ON THE T.V. TODAY!

*dry heaves*

 I’ll get off my soapbox now.

 

200-500

*sigh*

Unfortunately we are just dealing with a “pretty boy” or an effeminate man.

I do not think this person would suck a dick, but he would probably hold it in his mouth till the swelling went down.

But even with more twist than a bag of licorice, he loves women.

 

500-800

This ones pilot light burns kinda bright.

We are getting into sticky territory here.

VERY STICKY!

…and salty.

Kids, I hate to break it to you, but…

We have us a pure breed, card carrying, and empty aerosol can has less lisp homo-sectional here.

Sorry ladies, but either religion or his parents have probably pushed this boy so far in the closet, dust bunnies run for cover.

And there is not a gerbil in a 100 mile radius.

Because of the lack of satisfying sexual activity, he may prey upon undesirables.

People who use lay-a-way or illegal immigrants who wear off brand jeans.

 

Let’s hope one day he wakes up and smells the freshly ground Italian Amer-i-latte’ cafe sometime soon before his atoms radiate away from the heat.

 

If you are looking at a score 800+

 

 

YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN BE TAKING THIS QUIZ YOU IDIOT!

THIS GAYDAR IS GOING OFF AT TERROR ALERT LEVELS!

FOX NEWS WOULD ISSUE A WARNING!

HE IS A FAG!

ACCEPT REALITY! HE ISN’T CHANGING, IT IS NOT HIS FAULT YOU DUMBASS!

…and him and I have probably slept together?

AND I HAVE ALL MY SEXUAL PARTNERS BACKS!

 

*…no. don’t even. Way too easy bitch.*

 

 

This now concludes this Emergency Broadcast from the Gaydar Network.

 

 

I need to go check my ballcock.

 

 

 

*Only if I am inTennessee

**And to my fucking knowledge. I don’t want no gay geeks who own some two bit website tryin’ to sue my ass.

***I am also a geologist on Tuesdays.

****Ok, it may not be accurate to a degree of “stem cell testing”, but hell. What do you expect me to write when I am stoned as Jesus*****.

***** Prolly gonna go to hell for that one. But Pat Robertson has been telling me that for YEARS!

******All morphs done by “Ravnostic”. (This tired old douchfag that used to stalk me, and is PROBABLY still stalking me. (He is in love with me you know…but then again…so am I?)

Oh, and a footnote to the footnotes. It took me about ten minutes to write the official gaydar, and ten to write the song. So I ain’t proofreading this shit! It took two hours to put it all together!

And one more footnote to the footnotes footnote-Do my delight, I have recieved hate mail from a couple of people for this posting. Apparently some do not understand “humor and sarcasm”, but since a couple of people need it spelled out for them, THIS BLOG I ME POKING FUN AT THE LUDICROUSNESS OF THE RESEARCH THAT HAS BEEN DONE TOWARDS HOMOSEXUALITY.

Thank you and Come again.

 

 

THE OFFICIAL SCIENTIFIC GAYDAR THEME

We were sooooooooo busy at work Saturday night…

 

 *looks at nails*

Oh kids. It seems when your working behind a bar, people expect you to make them drinks.

NO! We are there to gossip and tell you how fucked up you are in the head. The job is stressful enough without adding more work to it!

Its a wonder I am not an alcoholic due to the stress!

*oh shutup! …yes you!*

Anycock,

I was going out with Dana after work…and the more work I had to do, the more excited I was about it.

They were working me like an 17 year old oriental whore!

I was running off of two hours of sleep, and drinking lots of Red Bull to trying to fight it. But it was not working. I was irritable. The vodka started to help that, but like most things in my life, it takes a MAN to truly do the job.

Some Dickle got me out of the pickle.

 BUT I QUICKLY GOT ANGRY AGAIN! THESE NEEDY PEOPLE WERE STEPPING ON MY LAST NERVE!

“Chad, may I have some extra lemons?”
“Yea, here…catch. By the way, do you not know sucking on those things will make all those little lines around your face worse. I feel like everything you say is just a side note anyway. Your mouth is in a constant state of parenthesis. …oh,  and you suck at catching.”

 

I was not a very good little worker.

After six hours of going non-stop, I had enough. I needed a break.

 

I do not know where all those people were coming from?

 
“Chad can I …..”

 
NO YOU CAN’T!

 
NO.
YOU.
CAN.
NOT.

 

NO!

NO!

NO!

AND FUCKING NO!

Was basically my reply to everyone.

Until Brian (this GEORGOUS specimen of a man that has been coming in and I was meeting a little later that night)… turned and said to me,
“Chad, I will see you tonight.”

*Turns around, big smiles, left hand on hip, on knee slightly bent and head tilt*

“ALL RIGHT!, I WILL SEE YOU LATER!”

 

 *and we twist, straighten hip, pop the lip, and whisp the bangs!*

 

*I can turn ON some Meryl Streep when I need to.*

But I had enough of people at that point.
I needed a smoke break.

 

 

…all that work was bad for my health.

I went to the back, and Dana was rummaging through a metal box that we keep daydots, markers and tape in. Yanno, that cluttered office supply box we all have at work. But that is either here nor there. Let me tell you a little about Dana.

Dana is one of my best friends at work. We are always getting in trouble and mischief together. And we were going out to party after work.

Due to the nature of my blogs and what I am talking about (and our jobs) I unfortunately can not post any pictures of her or that nights events, I have some great ones. But here is some gratuitus nudity. Just because I can now. BAHAHAHA!

 

 

 

WHOA DADDY!

 

 

…wait.

Where wuz I?

?

OH DANA!

We are often mistaken for brother and sister. I am 6’1, she is 6’0 and we have similar hair/ eye color.

When I finally made it to the back room, one look at her and I could tell she was just as frazzled as me. She was frantically looking around in a box that was on the metal table in the middle of the storeroom.

I walked around behind her and leaned back and I kneeled down and lit a cigarette.

The next thing I knew, Dana turns around and straddles me, puts her vagina directly in my face, lifts up her leg…and starts humping!

 

Hard!

My head was hitting the railing with each thrust!

I did not know what was going on!!!!!

She was FUCKING GOING TO TOWN ON MY HEAD! AND I DONT LIKE THAT HORRID LOOKING ORAFICE ANYWHERE NEAR WHERE I CHEW MY FOOD!

By this time, MOTHER FUCKIN’ SURVIAL INSTINCT KICKED IN!

MY FACE HAS NEVER BEEN UNDER THREE FEET FROM A VAGINA IN MY LIFE!

Even that one time I tried to be with a woman, I did not even look at the atrocious thing!!!!

 

Gross!

And now I had one humpin’ my face!

I was wonderin’ had this bitch lost her marbles!?

 
I held my breath.

I thought “uuuuuhhhhhhh” as I tried to tune it out and think happy thoughts. I  prayed for it to end… as her vagina was thrusted in my face.

“Do you mind!?!??!?”…I yelled. My voice was muffled.
She looked down at me…

 
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

“I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE!”
JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I screamed back at her.

*the bitch had just startled me even more with her screaming*

 

“Do you mind looking next time, I just had your vagina in my face.”

I am glad I did not flat line during this!

I am very tolerant of the heterosexual lifestyle, what you do behind closed doors is your business, I just do not like it shoved in my face.

“…and what the hell were you doing anyway?” I gasped.

I was struggling to get the oxygen back in my veins after being attacked by ninja cooter.

In reality- she was jumping up and down trying to push that metal box to the very end of the steel shelving where supplies are stored.

She was putting it on a shelf about a foot above her head, exactly where I was kneeling…

 

…and I got caught in the crossfire.

 
I still do not know how she did not see me.

 

 

 

 

 

 Dana: Hey Chad, I got some new weed! Its the cronic! They called it “Christmas Tree”!

I thought to myself…

Hmmmm.

 

Christmas Tree weed????????

 

NICE.
FRESH.
TRENDY.
HAPPENING!
LETS DO IT!

 

Chad : Alright!*

 *There was not a lot of twisting of my arms at this point. It was the night from hell and I was ready to have fun.

Dana: We will do it before we go out.
Chad: Wait, where did you get this weed?

Dana:Chris.

Chad: Who?

Dana: Chris….one of TJ’s friends.

Chad: RACE!?

Dana: huh?

Chad: RACE!?

Dana: What?

Chad: WHAT IS HIS NATIONALITY!

Dana: Oh, he is black.

Chad: Alright, We good…

 

 (Ya’ll know how I feel about buying weed from white people. They will rip you off, and sell you that experimental shit that would toast up Cheech Chong, and Doggy Doggy Doggy DAWG! ) Now, I dont want to sound racist, but buying weed from white people just feels WRONG! The will jack you like a horny death row inmate. Black people instill quality control with their product.)

Anypecker,

We get off of work and I follow her to her house. I was going to shower and get ready at her apartment.

We get to her place, and she rolls a joint from this Christmas tree weed.
I do not know about brand names. Holiday special I guess.

*fucking honkeys*

We get smoke it, and then she leaves me to go pick up a friend who is going out with us that night.

At first I didn’t think I was even high. But in retrospect…

 

I was too high to realize I was high!

LORD GOD!

Now I may exaggerate facts and embellish a bit for the sake of humor, but that is how I tell a story.
But readers, you need to know I was STONED BAKED AND FOOBARBARELLA’D!
I thought my gay ass was going to pass out!
SANTA CLAUS LACED THAT SHIT OR SOMETHING!

And she leaves me alone in her apartment with her damn cat!

 *I hate ALL pussy!*

And well, Cats do not like me!

Well, cats and people who work at Blockbuster Video. But that is another blog.

Anyjunk,

I started wiggin’ the FUCK OUT.  And the twenty Red Bulls I had drank were not helping matters any!
I was too fucking high.

I remember thinking that as that ugly ass cat stared me down…

I had to get away before it ate me!

“A shower will sober me up.”

I remember getting in the shower, and I could HEAR MY FUCKING HEART BEATING!

I could not focus on anything. This was a nightmare The water was coming down in slow motion.

And then….

 

 

kids.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 it happened.

I was standing in the shower, watching the water trinkle down.

And I went blind.

 Yes. blind.

CANT SEE BLIND!

My sight was robbed from me.

 
The once beautiful world filled with color and glory had turned to black.

In my frenzied state, I remember thinking…

[What are you going to do? You can not get out of this house, let alone dress... now that you are blind]

I was going to have to start re-learning how to live my life as a blind man…I remember thinking at one point during the panic attack.

 

 They are gonna call you Gay Charles. No one will date you. What are those patterns in the air! Now that I am blind, with this effect my gag reflex? OH MY GOD, THEY SHOOT BLIND GAY MEN DON’T THEY!?!?!

 

 

 

I tried to figure out what to do, and I was in a FRENZY!

[Do you call an ambulance and tell them you have went blind from bad weed? Do I scream for help? Would anyone even help me now that I am a blind man?]

 

 

 

 

 

Then,

 

 

 

 

 

… the electricity came back on.

 

 

 

Yup. Just a day in the life kids. Just a day in the life.

 

We ended up going out and having a fun night even though I had been through all of this HORROR. But the next day at work, I found our dear Chris.
I asked him where he got this “Christmas Tree” weed.

He told me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
A HONKEY OF COURSE!

…as if there were a SHADOW of a doubt.

 

 

 

So…,

KIDS LETS RE-CAP:

A VAGINA IN MY FACE!

I THOUGHT I WAS BLIND FOR THREE HOURS!

(you would have to be really really stoned at least one time in your life to understand the three hour thing…)

ALL TRACKED BACK TO HONKEY WEED!

I’M DONE PREACHING ABOUT THIS ISSUE.

I do not know what it is about this white people weed. But people, PLEASE AVOID it at ALL costs.

I can NOT stress this enough. Dear GOD someone is gonna die who does not heed my warning.

 

*tassles bangs*

When I look back on some of the more dangerous situations I have been in, I realize I am one haphazard homo, It amazes me that I am still alive?!

I have never thought I would live to be the age I am now.

*lifts up hand and looks at nails*

 

Twenty nine and a half.

 

*ahem*

 

 

 

I had always assumed the way the story of my life was playing out that I was going to live fast and die hung.

After all, most famous and talented beauties do.

 

But let me tell you,  Bam Margera has NOTHING on me.

(Thank God he decided to drop all charges) And as I re-visit some of my more reckless periods, I should be thankful that I can sit and type this.

Now, Close your eyes and let me take you back to this exact time of year around ten years ago…

 

 

 

It was the beginning of fall. I have always loved the fall  It is such a beautiful time of year in the south, well,  before those “unsightly” Amish decided to move in and make South Carolina into a hogs pen of tacky clothing and “buns”.

 

 

 

The leaves were changing colors, it was getting cooler, and there is always a “fall smell” in the air. I love it.

 

 

 

And there is NOTHING like a little motorcycle riding in this weather.

 

 

 

O.k. I must be honest, the thing I was riding this day in particular was not a “motorcycle” per se, it is some sort of big two wheeled dirt bike-ish thingamawigger, that my cousin taught me to ride a years and years ago.

Kinda like a moped without the pedals on the little cycle thingy. But bigger and angled like?

 

 

(DAMNIT! I love to pretend being butch, but I am not good about remembering the man lingo that goes along with it! Last Monday during the game,  I asked if the Cowboys had “another inning”. One day I will learn heterospeak. It’s a personal goal.)

 

 

 

Anydick,

 

 

 

South Carolinais one of the few states left that does not have a “helmet law”.

 One of the few smart laws of this backwoods state.

 

 

Anyone that has ever worn a motorcycle helmet knows what hell it is on your hair.

 

 

 

It’s nice to see a state taking a stance on the issue!

 

Now, I am sure you are thinking to yourself…

 

 

 

Chad+Motorcycle+No helmet= DANGER!

 

 

 

Well, you’re about half right.

 

 

…because let me tell you.

 

 I now have the head trauma to prove it!

 

 

 

My noggin is scarred for the rest of my life after this little ride.

 

 

 

I walk over to my cousin’s house and I tell him…

 

 

 

 

“I have been dying to take a ride on that big ass crotch rocket all damn day!”

 

 

 

 If I had a nickel.

 

 

 

“Do you care if I take it out?”

 

 

 

His girlfriend Marissa chimes in… “I want to go! Come onChad! You never take me!”

 

 

 

“Alright, let’s go. AND I CALL BITCH!”

 

 

“You want me to drive with you on the back???”

 

 

“HELL NO! …are you an idiot? I was just making a generalized statement. Am I not allowed to speak today?”

“-NOW COME ON!”

 

 

We go outside and I get Miss Piggy, “the hog” , out of the shed and we saddle up.

 

 

 

 

“Let’s ride up to the store, I want to get a lottery ticket.”

 

 

 

“O.K., I want to get an energy drink too. Let’s take the back way.” …I said as revved the engine and started off.

 

 

 

(The reason I wanted to go the back way is because I did not have my driver’s license with me, so I wanted to play it safe, It would not have mattered anyway, because here in theCarolinasyou need a separate license for any two wheeled vehicles you choose to operate, and I REFUSE!  Who needs two bad pictures of yourself in your wallet!? That’s about half and a quarter STUPID!)

 ( And plus, if I have a license for driving a vehicle with four wheels, Then I am double qualified to drive one with two of them. LIKE DUH? I hate these dumb ass hillbilly lawmakers in the south. I need to move out toCalifornia with all the other pretty misunderstood people. The REBELS. )

Moving on.

 

 

As I give the engine a final rev, she puts her arms around my waist and we are off.

 

It felt so strange to have a woman’s arms around my chest. I ain’t even bi-lingual!

My mothers womb may have well been titled “Closet Door” because that was the last time I ever saw one of those.

 

 

 

Well, It wasn’t long till I felt the fall air whisping my highlighted bangs around.

The open air.

The freedom.

The grind of the motor.

 

(I forget you have to change gears in those doohycles. Another reason leading to my homo-license choice.)

 

 

 

It was wonderful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

After about ten minutes of riding, we pull in to the Shell, and I jump off the bike.

 

I turn and look at Marissa, and she gets off very VERY slowly after me.

 

 

 

Her face is flushed white as a ghost and she looks scared, almost like a frightened cat.

 

 

 

“Chad, I have to go home right now.”

 

 

 

“Why? Did my driving scare you?”

(I had only got reckless once…well maybe twice. OK THREE TIMES! But that possum should have looked twice before he crossed the road.)

 

 

 

 

Well kids.

She was not referring to my driving.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was not ready to hear the words that were about to be spoken next…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I had an orgasm on the way here.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“…yoooou hhhhad……a….a ……a ………..a wut?”

 

 

 

 

“….I need to change my shorts, I can not go into the store.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“ummm…huh?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Did you just say you had a…?”

 

 

 

 

My mind was chanting “please let me have heard her wrong, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DEAR LORD GOD ALMIGHTY let me have heard her wrong!!!!”

 

 

 

[I was praying that I had misheard or she was joking and really talking about being intoxicated by the ride, but after a few questions, ...and NO laughter later. I realized my prayers would yet again go unanswered.]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“ChadI could not help it, it was the vibrations.”…she said after 10 minutes of akward silence.

 

 

 

 

I just sat there with a blank expression on my face till the full horror of this situation hit me, and I clutched my neck as my throat had went bone dry.

      GROSS!

 I had never felt so dirty and violated in my entire life! And THAT’S a fuckin’ feat in itself considering the “Coat Check Hole Groundhogs Day” incident had just happened two days prior.

All I wanted at that moment was to shower!

 

A MOTHER FUCKING SILKWOOD SHOWER!

 

 

 

 

 

 

This WOMAN had her arms wrapped around me, and had an orgasm!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was wondering if I should call the cops!

I had just been sexually assaulted!

 I mean, yes…that had always been a fantasy, but there was always a deep voice and a REALLY BIG…(well, yanno.) in my scenerio.

 

 

 

NOT A WOMAN! 

I do not know much about the mechanics of female anatomy, but I had never heard of this shit! …Is this normal!? I never knew women raped! How could she violate me like that!? …and I did not know anything seeped from women when they have an orgasm either!? This was news to me!

My mind was jumping around like a mexican on the Showcase Showdown.

 

 

 

 

               *violently dry heaves*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In addition to this crime against my humanity, I felt like a whore because my cousins girlfriend had just cheated on him with me!

…but then again, they say this is the common emotion for rape victims to feel at fault.

An embrace, an orgasm. I was practically “other man” now. She even asked me not to tell him about it!

I could not look her in the face  and was wondering what in the hell I was gonna do about mother fucking Thanksgiving  just around the corner!

 

I am having traumatic flashbacks as I type.

I don’t tell many, but since then, to this very single day, I have a panic attac when anyone even cranks a damn lawnmower

 

 

Needless to say, from that day forward, only males were allowed on my crotch rocket.

…and that goes for any bike rides I decide to give also!

 

This is a good time for some GRATUITOUS NUDITY!

(and do to the nature of the blog, guys, today is your lucky gay!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On a more positive note, this nightmare made me a better person AND I learned my first instrument.

 I learned how to play “Milkshake” on the new rape whistle two months after.

 

 

*This is an “uncircumsized” version of a previous blog. Original post 10/2/07

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After reading the news today, I got very cranky.

VERY CRANKY!

I found out I was two days late on the Dillards sale. (I only wear “Happy” for men by Clinique, and I am capitol ohhh, you, teee)

Anyway,

I decided afterwards, I had too much to say about Iran, Syria, Obama, “The Super Committee”…I SWEAR…make me president, heads would be snapping backwards like the exorcist I would be changing policy so goddamn fast!

So before I pen my rant about current events, I figured since I have some new readers…you need to be caught up to speed on my stance on these issues…

 

“MY STANCE ON…..”

 

 

 

ABORTION: I am a gay male. I don’t give two shits!

But I say there is to many damn stupid people on this earth anyway.

PROMOTE IT!

 I wanna see abortion clinic superbowl ads, abortion drive-thru windows, abortion machines powered by quarters at rest stops across the nation! If you are a woman, you have the option of a safe abortion. And if you dont want your kid,

CHUCK ‘EM!

And put them in the recycling bin so we can find a cure for poor Michael J. Fox. The last interview I saw with him, he was shaking so bad I thought it was being filmed in a helicopter.

 

 

DRUNK DRIVING: Just let them “pass” you. 

*problem solved*

Now can we quit talking about it. I have been in interstate traffic during rush hour and felt like I needed a beer. I dont see what the big deal is. Half you sober drivers drive like shit.

And why does no one address the bigger problem…women putting on makeup while driving?

 

 

ORGANIZED RELIGION: I am for whichever one is “in” at the moment. I was Buddist with Tina Turner in the 90′s. (I am so glad being a Baptist in the 80′s went “out”) Most of 2000 was spent aligning my Chakra Kahns. I am now Kaballah because Madonna and Gweneth Paltrow are? I am not “out” of style now am I?

“num yo ho ren gey kuo”

And if Mormon ever comes in style tho, I am screwed. Black is SO not in my color flower. 

 

 

 

ILLEGAL IMMAGRANTS:  For the love of God, KEEP THEM ILLEGAL!

 

If you legalize them there will be twice as many. 

I am sick of feeling like I need a passport when I go to the gas station. 

And if you legalize them, clothes prices are gonna go up!

Those little kids in Korea are doing a SHODDY job on my WHITE t-shirts that I wear. I think they should get beat with bamboo when they miss a stitch. I PAY your paycheck of five cents an hour you little RUGRATS!

Get with the program!

GAY MARRIAGE:

 ILLEGAL!

I have a hard enough time getting my belongings back from boyfriend’s without those fucking paper handcuffs! …and… well, I would probably have about seventeen divorces under my belt by now. HELL NAW! Marriage, you breeders CAN HAVE THAT ONE!

 NO!

Civil Unions?

ILLEGAL!

 Lables only mean shit to me when attached to clothing!

 

 

PRE-MARITAL SEX: 

…

Do you really think I can have marital sex?  …I mean maybe in two states, but COMEON!?

 

But I tell you, I am one to pull the “Sodomy is still illegal in this state card” if you think I am going to bottom.

I liked that law.

It worked for me.

Shame on you nay sayers that banished it. You big assholes!

(no pun intended)

I think they need to be fucked up the ass and have a recount.

 

LEGALIZATION OF MARIJUANA:

CHUCKLE!

 

 

SECOND HAND SMOKE: Against. Thats why I confront this issue first hand. And all you whiney ass non smokers shut up. You should be paying me for that second hand smoke and should be taxed heavily. You are getting ”full flavor” while I am relegated to “lights”.

I am a considerate smoker.

But then again, everyone I know smokes, so its a non-issue. (Cigarettes also) If anything we need a whiney non-smoker tax. I have the God given right to knock a few years off this nightmare of a life. My body is one of the few things I own and am not still making payments on, so shut it! Some of ya’ll drive me nuts! (well, nuttier)

Speaking of nuts? You know what time it is?

RANDOM NUDITY TIME!

 

 

 

(…if this were my lifeguard, I would go drown myself in the ocean PRONTO~)

(ATTENTION!-I need a “guest hetero” to submit pictures that straight guys jwould like. Even though another reason I include nudie’s in my blog is you guys have objectified women for decades. I am getting some passive agressive revenge for you ladies…but I feel sorry sometimes because I know my friends read because they tell me they hate wading through the cocks without any boobies. And honestly, I don’t feel like my judgment is good when hunting for …gross. I can barely say it. …..straight porn. *dry heaves* Any applicants, you will be thanked. E-mail addy on the sidebar.)

ANYWANKER!

 

 

 

GUN CONTROL: We need to do something about this issue. Someone should take my pistol away from me.

*CLICK~CLACK*

(…granted it is a small purse gun. But I was missing a thumbnail for seven months once because of it. Minds as immature as mine have no business with firearms.)

 

 

CHILD SEX OFFENDERS LIVING IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD: Give kids guns.

 

 

CLONING: Who? Are they pretty? Are they good in bed? That question needs to be set up better. I don’t want anymore George Bushes fucking up the world. But a sheep in Canada. I dont give a fuck.

 

 

GAYS IN THE MILITARY:

I was against. (I am not going to fight for a country I am not even treated as a fucking equal member of!?) But now that I learned everyone showers together, definatly PRO!

And while I am on the subject, all you guy’s that just said to yourself– 

“I DONT WANT NO DAMN FAGGOT SHOWERING NEXT TO ME”

100% percent of the time, it is always men I would not fuck with my worst enemies dick.

What you homophobes have that you think is so special never ceases to amaze my ass!

And gay guys if you are in the military, dont ask for sexual favors in the shower or barracks. Show some respect if they do not share your sexual preference.

Dont ask, Dont swell.

 

RANDOM DRUG TESTING IN THE WORKPLACE:

AGAINST!

I am not against the drug testing. Just the random part. If they would let you know in advance what drug they are testing for, I have a stash of clean pee.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you, my people,  vote me as your next President of the United States, a new law will be written.

 IF YOU DO NOT AGREE WITH MY VIEW’S THEN…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE CHAD360 PRESIDENTAL THEME

 

 

 

 

Introducing my first blog posting ever written with Carbon Nano-tubes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UPDATE: Life is hard being a Virgo with a nuclear drive to create.

*sigh*

After reading this one, I dont like it either. I think I will just “shorten the word count” from now on?

And

N6BVCF33BFWG <-ignore. Just a Technorati claim token.

xo

~360